Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Memorable Moments from the Sermons of Steven Anderson

Chris Heard is calling for the resignation of Pastor Steven Anderson for praying that God strikes Obama with brain cancer. This certainly isn't the first time Anderson has been highlighted by a biblioblogger. In fact, just days before, Michael Heiser and Mark Goodacre refuted Anderson's "proof" that the NIV is a Satanic Bible. But for solid enjoyment you have to go back over a year when Tyler Williams and I blogged Anderson's lecture on pissing postures. Around that time I also commented on an especially nasty sermon in which Romans 11 was hijacked in order to call down destruction on the city of San Francisco (noted by Tim Ricchuiti).

Steve Anderson is spellbinding and continues to floor me with the stuff he bellows from the pulpit. I think it's time for a list of most memorable moments from his sermons. How about a dirty dozen? There was no contest for the number one slot.

1. On the necessity of standing while voiding. "We've got pastors who pee sitting down. We've got the President of the United States who probably pees sitting down. We've got a bunch of preachers, a bunch of leaders, who won't stand up and piss against the wall like a man. And let me tell you, that's what's wrong with America."

2. Against Bible Colleges. "Show me a single place in the Bible where prophets and men of the Lord went to Bible college."

3. Against gays. "I'm going to spend one hour on my knees praying that God destroys San Francisco on Labor Day weekend. You say, 'Is it going to happen?' Well, I'm going to pray for it to happen. You say, 'I don't like that, it doesn't make me feel good'. Well, you'll start feeling good one of these days when you get to Heaven. And you know what? You'll feel good if you go home and read your Bible. I felt good today when I read my Bible. I memorized the Bible today on the airplane, and I felt pretty good."

4. On IVF (in vitro fertilization). "Stealing babies from God. It's saying, 'Hey, where's my reward, God? You owe me a blessing! Oh, you won't give it to me? Then I'm going to come in, and throw you out of your throne, God! And I'm going to reward myself! I'm going to say -- like Satan did in Isa 14:14 -- '"I will be like the Most High!" I will be like God! I'm going to create human life! And kill in the process! And steal from God!"

5. On global warming. "You say, 'Pastor Anderson, do you believe in global warming?' Hey, I believe that one day God's going to turn up the heat so much, he's going to scorch men with the sun -- when the fourth trumpet is blown in the book of Revelation. And so yeah, I believe in climate change. It changed a little bit from yesterday to today, in fact."

6. On the mocking character of God. "Look what God says [Prov 1:26]: 'I will laugh at your calamity. I will mock when your fear cometh.' When you're scared to death, when you realize the truth, when you realize that you're going to be damned to hell, God says, 'I'm going to make FUN of you, I'm going to MOCK you, I'm going to LAUGH at you!'"

7. On Barack Obama and Psalm 58. "If there was any justice in this country, if the judicial branch in this country meant anything, they would take Barack Obama and abort him. They would melt him like a snail. They would break the teeth out of his head, my friend."

8. On the Satanic nature of the NIV. "There are 678 verses in the book of Mark. But look at this footnote in the NIV: 'The most reliable early manuscripts and other ancient witnesses do not have Mk 16:9-20'. How many verses are in the book of Mark? 678. What happens if we subtract verses 9-20? What's 678 minus 12? 666. That's how many verses are in the book of Mark in the NIV. 666. Oh, but that's just a coincidence, right?"

9. On yelling from the pulpit. "You say, 'Why do you yell when you preach?' I yell when I preach, because people are going to Hell, that's why! I yell when I preach, because there's fire in Hell, that's why! And because God told me to yell -- what does Isa 58:1 say? 'Cry aloud! Spare not! Lift up thy voice like a trumpet!'"

10. On the Bible as a resource. "I always go the Bible when I want to know what to believe about anything. I mean anything. Any answer that I need to any subject -- I don't care what the subject is -- it's going to be covered in the Bible."

11. Stealing from a girl in Sunday school. "She had the wrong Bible. It was a New International Version, or a New King James Version, or a New Revised Standard Version, or whatever... So I took her Bible away and gave her a King James Bible. And this is what I said to her: 'Do you think that the Bible is a new book or an old book? You see what your Bible says: it says "new". Do you think God's word is something new? That's right: God's word is old. So let me give you an old Bible. Not a new one that's been changed.'"

12. On love and hate. "If you love the Father, then you'll love God's word, and God's WORD! says that the homosexual deserves the death penalty. God's WORD! says 'I will set no wicked thing before my eyes'. God's WORD! says 'I HATE the work of them that turn aside, it shall not cleave to me.' Hey, God's WORD! says to go out and preach the Gospel to every creature. And you know what? The same guy who goes out and preaches the Gospel until he can't even talk anymore -- the same soul-winning Christian who goes out and wins souls -- is the same one who comes to a church on a leather-lunged preacher and gets up and rebukes sin. Hey, God is love, but God's angry with the wicked every day! Hey, God is love, but holy is the Lord! And so you can't have one without the other. You show me the loving, charitable, giving, soul-winning church, and I'll show you the hellfire-and-damnation fire-breathing preacher. You can't love the flowers unless you hate the weeds."

If you want the joy of listening to these in full context, see the Sermons from Faithful Word Baptist Church. The quotes are from the following. 1. "The Old Fashioned Way" (1/20/08). 2. "Why Bible College is Unscriptural" (2/10/08). 3. "Romans 11" (8/22/07). 4. "The Seven Sins of IVF" (7/23/06). 5. "Environmentalism" (6/1/08). 6. Sodomite Reprobates (7/9/06). 7. "Barack Obama Melting as a Snail" (1/18/09). 8. "Yea Hath God Said?" (8/2/09). 9. "The Reality of Hell" (5/14/06). 10. "God's View of Immigration" (5/7/06). 11. "The Old Fashioned Way" (1/20/08). 12. "The Sorcery of Television" (11/30/08).


Blogger Mark Goodacre said...

Thanks for gathering these together, Loren. Some of these are actually laugh out loud funny.

Blogger Loren Rosson III said...

You'd think they were straight out of Comedy Central, wouldn't you?

Anonymous Jason said...

Priceless!!! :-P

Blogger Qohelet said...

The guy's a loon, and a scary (if funny) one at that. Thankfully I church I used to go to require an MDiv prior to preaching.

Anonymous matthew said...

ohhhh my goodness... I'm amazed that this is genuine!


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